This is just completely unnecessary. It’s like watching your parents try to dirty dance. Katie appears to be doing her sexiest chicken impression, and check out the sweat on Cruisazy. Yuck.

[Photo via Dlisted via Us Weekly]

“Marc really hit it off with Tom—they just got close.”

― Jennifer Lopez in the August issue of Glamour Magazine about double dating with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

[Photo via JustJared]

See, Tom Cruise is 5’7”…when he’s wearing three-inch heels.

[Photo via TC Forever]

We hate Tom Cruise, which inevitably makes people (read: the Dutch and Scientologists) hate us. Let’s dig into the I Hate Tom Cruise hate mailbag, shall we?

From: Bob the Builder
Date: May 4, 2007
Subject: –

Why not put your energies [sic] into something positive instead of slaggin [sic] of [sic] someone else?

Clearly you don’t understand that hating Tom Cruise IS positive.

From: Mark
Date: May 11, 2007
Subject: hi

I would just like to point out that you must have a very large amount of free time to be sad enough to create a web site that solely abuses tom cruise and his family.

A few pointers :- [sic]

you havnt [sic] got tom cruises [sic] millions for starters.

you are probably a lonely person or people

when tom cruise dies he will be remembered, who will remember you?

you [sic] just a sad low-life that needs to grow up!

Mark, we would just like to point out that your random punctuation and atrocious spelling aren’t helping you get ahead in life. Also, thanks for your concern about our loneliness and legacy, but we’re doing just fine. Remember, Xenu loves you!

From: tom
Date: May 16, 2007
Subject: looser

what a looser [sic] you really are, you are either very jelous [sic] or have a couple of screws loose. Its [sic] tom cruise’s personal business what he does and when he does it. Grow up and make a website about something decent you prick

This coming from a person who can’t even spell “loser.” Tom, Tom, Tom…you poor, misguided, functionally illiterate soul. Thanks for the chuckle.

Just when we thought we couldn’t possibly adore I Can Has Cheezburger more, they go and post this.

It’s official, folks—we’re in lolcat love.

[Photo via I Can Has Cheezburger?]

While Tom is away, Katie will play…with her new co-star [Dlisted]

Tom looks fat, Katie looks lobotomized [Perez Hilton]

Tom continues to buy Brooke Shields’ friendship [PopSugar]

Katie has had enough of Grandma Cruise [Celebrity Baby Blog]

Katie has to take Scientology “mommy classes” [Defamer]

Katie is sick and tired…and suddenly we have new-found respect for Victoria Beckham (didn’t see that coming!) [Lainey’s Entertainment Update]

[Photo via IDLYITW]

The crazies over at our archnemesis site have posted some (must say something nice) interesting photos of Suri Cruise, who attended the first birthday party of Brooke Shields’ daughter, Grier Henchy, over the weekend. So how old is Suri really—somewhere in the 15 to 18 month range? Does anyone truly believe she’s as old as Tom and Katie claim?

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

UPDATE: People reports that, as of her “first” birthday on April 18, “Suri is walking and talking” and that “Tom and Suri kicked the ball around the lawn during the [birthday] party.”

Do one-year-olds normally walk, talk and have the dexterity to kick a ball around a lawn? Exactly.

[Photos via TomKatCrazy]

Today is our favorite test-tube baby’s “first” (*cough* she’s way older *cough*) birthday! Everyone at I Hate Tom Cruise would like to wish Suri Cruise a very happy birthday. Only 17 more years until you’re free, kiddo. We can’t wait to read your tell-all book.

[Photo via Just Jared]

Katie’s face is deflating. Tom must have forgotten to feed her.

[Photo via Metro]

Katie, Katie, Katie…what the hell did you get yourself into?!

Speaking of which, the following report on the state of Ms. Holmes and Cruisazy’s union is from E! gossip Ted Casablanca’s The Awful Truth (and, no, we don’t always understand all of his “humpy” expressions, but you get the picture):

Just wanted to comment on all this biz in the press lately about how very exacting Tommy-babe is supposed to be with his Katie-poo.

Well, let’s ask a few things in the process, shall we?

Why does Andrew Morton’s book on the “supposedly” controlling T.C. appear to be stuck in Nowhereville? It was due to come out last fall, I was told; now, I hear, Andy’s still “writing” it. I also want to point out here that A.M.—famous for writing all about the infamous Diana, Princess of Wales—has said going up against the lethally tough royal family was a “walk in Hyde Park” compared to snooping out Tom Cruise.

Why’s that, Mr. Cee?

Why, back at that Mentoring charity event I mentioned a few days ago (the one where certain table-hoppers claimed T. ‘n’ K. had “zero chemistry”), were there hardly any clips of any flicks Tom did with his ex, Nicole Kidman? Is making a film with your wife under the tutelage of Stanley Kubrick the equivalent of directorial chopped liver, or something?

Why do Katie’s Ohioan friends and fam, according to my über-trusty Desk Toledo, claim all talk of Katie Cruise is now verboten—she’s simply not mentioned anymore? Hmmm. Good questions, I’d say, when trying to figure out our original query.

Wow, just wow.

Thanks to Shadow Girl for the tip!

[Photos via I’m Not Obsessed]