Katie, Katie, Katie…what the hell did you get yourself into?!

Speaking of which, the following report on the state of Ms. Holmes and Cruisazy’s union is from E! gossip Ted Casablanca’s The Awful Truth (and, no, we don’t always understand all of his “humpy” expressions, but you get the picture):

Just wanted to comment on all this biz in the press lately about how very exacting Tommy-babe is supposed to be with his Katie-poo.

Well, let’s ask a few things in the process, shall we?

Why does Andrew Morton’s book on the “supposedly” controlling T.C. appear to be stuck in Nowhereville? It was due to come out last fall, I was told; now, I hear, Andy’s still “writing” it. I also want to point out here that A.M.—famous for writing all about the infamous Diana, Princess of Wales—has said going up against the lethally tough royal family was a “walk in Hyde Park” compared to snooping out Tom Cruise.

Why’s that, Mr. Cee?

Why, back at that Mentoring charity event I mentioned a few days ago (the one where certain table-hoppers claimed T. ‘n’ K. had “zero chemistry”), were there hardly any clips of any flicks Tom did with his ex, Nicole Kidman? Is making a film with your wife under the tutelage of Stanley Kubrick the equivalent of directorial chopped liver, or something?

Why do Katie’s Ohioan friends and fam, according to my über-trusty Desk Toledo, claim all talk of Katie Cruise is now verboten—she’s simply not mentioned anymore? Hmmm. Good questions, I’d say, when trying to figure out our original query.

Wow, just wow.

Thanks to Shadow Girl for the tip!

[Photos via I’m Not Obsessed]

Tom, Katie and Suri went to another (surprise!) Cruise family sporting event over the weekend, and Suri fully tried to make a run for it! So this pretty much confirms that Suri is older than Tom and Katie claim, right? (Does anyone know of another 11-month-old who can run??) Suddenly the Chris Klein father rumor seems less outlandish…

[Photo via Hollywood Rag]

Remember the not-so-happy Tom and Katie photo we posted yesterday? Star Magazine is now claiming to have the exclusive dirt behind the scowls.

The photo was taken on March 11 during Tom’s son Connor’s basketball game at Beverly Hills High School, at which the couple arrived separately and seemed anything but madly in love. An eyewitness tells Star, “Both Tom and Katie looked absolutely miserable. I think they were definitely furious with each other.”

It turns out Tom is none too pleased with Katie’s newly assertive behavior (i.e., she decided to get a job.) A source explains, “Tom probably feels that Katie has drifted from the path, (and is asking Katie to get) retrained in the ways of Scientology.” Tom had Katie undergo a “purification process” to “free herself from any emotional problems she may be having,” which included a five-hour sauna to eliminate “poisons” from her body.

“Katie only wants to be married once,” a source tells Star, so to ensure her marriage stays intact she’ll continue to please Tom; she wouldn’t want to upset him. A source adds Tom “apparently has a bad temper when he’s pushed.”

[Photo via Star Magazine]

So this is what Tom and Katie look like when they’re not smiling at each other maniacally in a vain attempt to convince the world that they’re madly in love. Who wants to bet this version is closer to the truth?

[Photo via Faded Youth]

Check out Rolling Stone for a great article about “South Park” and its co-creators (and fellow Tom Cruise haters) Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Our hats are off to you, Trey and Matt—keep fighting the good fight.

UPDATE: Thanks for the image, Frank!

Katie Holmes is due to start shooting “Mad Money”—a comedy also staring Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah about three women who plan to steal millions from the Federal Reserve—in Louisiana next month, and Page Six reports that Tom, ever the control freak, is already calling the shots.

“Tom has called producers and told them he will be on set every day,” according to an insider. “He wants to observe what’s going on and will probably help Katie out.” The couple will likely bring their infant daughter, Suri, along as well.

The insider added, “Katie’s agent, Hylda Queally [at CAA], chose this role for her because it is a female buddy movie. There is no love interest and she wouldn’t be kissing anyone or have a sex scene.”

Katie reportedly gave up her role in the upcoming “Batman” sequel at Tom’s urging because she would have had romantic scenes with Christian Bale. Tom was also said to be upset over Katie’s sex scene in last year’s “Thank You for Smoking,” and the scene mysteriously went missing during several festival screenings.

Sounds like Tom wants to make sure other actors keep their damn hands off his business arrangement wife!

As for Katie, we’re guessing she thinks it is “amazing” and “wonderful” that the man she “loves to call husband” is “so supportive.”