We love you, Gallery of the Absurd.

P.S. Free Katie!

So by now you’ve surely heard that Paramount kicked Tom to the curb this week. Let’s all say it together: Mwahahahahahahaha! OK, now that we’ve all gotten our evil laughs out of the way, let’s recap, shall we?

On Tuesday, Viacom Inc. Chairman Sumner Redstone told the Wall Street Journal that Paramount was ending its 14-year relationship with Tom:

“It’s nothing to do with his acting ability, he’s a terrific actor,” Sumner told The Wall Street Journal yesterday. “But we don’t think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot…. As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal. His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.”

Let’s all just take a moment to bask in the glow of that sublime burn before we move on to Tom’s rebuttal. That’s right, take a deep breath…savor it. Do you have a beatific smile on your face? You should. Alright, let’s resume.

Paula Wagner, Tom’s producing partner, hit back at Redstone right quick, telling the LA Times:

“It is graceless. It is undignified. It’s not businesslike,” she said. “I ask, what is his real agenda? What is he trying to do? Is this how you treat artists? If I were another actor or filmmaker, would I work at a studio that takes one of their greatest assets and publicly does this?”

She went on to claim that it was their decision to leave Paramount after contract negotiations had faltered, and that she and Tom had secured $100 million in outside funding from two unnamed hedge funds to establish an independent production company. Paramount’s response? Another burn, baby, this time to the New York Times:

A spokesman for Mr. Redstone, Carl Folta, scoffed at Ms. Wagner’s talk of new financial backers. “Did they give you a name?” he said.

Even better yet, “South Park” creators and Tom tormenters Trey Parker and Matt Stone just secured a two-picture deal with Paramount. Awesome.

The moral of the story? Sumner Redstone is our new hero.

Thanks to reader Malaika for initially tipping us off to the story.

Rush and Malloy reported last week that Joe DiMaggio was a Tom Cruise hater too. It turns out that Tom scared the Yankee legend by following him:

This was in the mid-’90s, after Cruise had already starred in “Top Gun” and “Born on the Fourth of July,” but the baseball great, once married to Marilyn Monroe, didn’t realize - or didn’t care - what a big star Cruise was.

“He’d show up at baseball-signing shows and wait for Joe to come out,” says the source. “One time, he waited outside a restaurant for him for three hours. [DiMaggio] called him ‘a short little guy.’ He didn’t like it. He felt like he was stalking him.”

“Joe said to me, ‘This guy is following me around everywhere I go,’” says our spy. “‘Next time, I’m going to call the cops.’”

Poor Joltin’ Joe. He just wanted to spend his twilight years obsessing over Marilyn Monroe. Instead, he had to deal with an overrated midget actor stalking him. Not cool, Tom. Not cool.